When I was an emotional vampire

Posted: September 11, 2014 in Family Violence

Depression

I remember all throughout my twenties about my challenges and resemblance to the narcissist we have been talking about lately. I felt that as an ex-Kumul and having played for Australia in junior rugby union and achieved a university degree at a fairly young age and so forth, I was invincible. Most young adults go through the same thing I guess. For myself though I knew it was a problem as I walked around thinking I was smart, physically attractive and could get any woman I wanted, despite the fact that I had a beautiful partner who later gave us three of the most beautiful angels in the universe.

Despite all the goodness in my life, my family support in PNG, my attractive and beautiful, doting partner and my three children, it was not enough. I was always on the lookout for new prey, for new women in my life. I was never satisfied at home and would tell lies through my teeth and make excuses and even find arguments, just so I could go out and justify my unfaithfulness with different women.

A big part of me hated it but I couldn’t stop. I continued and continued until I began to feel really depressed. Finally at age 26, when I had one 3 year old girl and twin boys who were just born, I had to tell her. I came out and confessed and told her everything…absolutely everything!

I couldn’t bare her living through a miserable life with a person like me.

The weight of infidelity and living a life that was not who I really was, was too much to bare. Although I thought I was already depressed it got even worse. I stop working and moved from job to job for about 6 – 12 months. I drank almost a bottle of scotch a night and smoked a packet of Winfield Blue 20’s every second night whilst listening to depressing music. On the weekends I went out looking for women with my mates and started taking marijuana and cocaine to fill this massive void in my heart. At home I was cold and to be honest I was told I looked like death when I met friends.

I had hit rock bottom.

Like an addict though I kept searching for answers in women, young and older, fat and skinny – anybody who would give me attention. I was an emotional vampire – I did not care who or where it came from. Well, maybe not literally but I had let my standards drop terribly. I hated myself for it and terribly wanted to break it but I was so depressed and helpless that I even contemplated suicide… many times.

I always had numerous women on the side at the same time so that if I broke up with one then I could easily go to the other. However I was never truly committed and I am sure, looking back, they knew but because of their own fears so they put up with it.

My life was a lie. I was so scared of rejection and losing a “loved” one that I often broke up with them after a short time and blamed them for it. I could not stand the thought of them leaving me although it happened a few times. So my pattern was – find a woman, make her feel awesome, then look for something to argue about and blame and devalue her and eventually break up with her before she breaks up with you. Whatever I did I had to be in control so I would “facilitate” the breakup.

How stupid is that?

If they did leave I was so bitter and devastated. I wondered to myself why I was upset as I didn’t really love them and I was cheating on them anyway, but I realise now that it was merely me wanting to control them as I hated being abandoned. They had to pay for leaving me.

When I used to receive that final text message to stop all contact I used to be devastated and get angry. A void would fill my heart and I would blame myself for everything that went wrong. Occasionally I would stalk them and wondered what they were doing, regardless of any new person I was having sex with. I would always be left alone…again – what I actually feared most, I was actually creating. How ironic?!

I hated the process and of people leaving me. I wanted to be the one in control but I never could do it 100%. I hated them for it and begged for them to come back so I could dish it out to them instead although I never told them that. When they did come back I would end up treating them like shit again. I never really loved them but hated the feeling of being rejected.

Looking back I was always at fault and my selfishness was so insurmountable that I simply could not stop it or simply did not know how to stop. In my heart I wanted to stop I know but I simply couldn’t.

I’ll write some more of my story but I guess one thing I realise now is that what I feared most is what I was manifesting. We are great manifestors – that is how God has programmed us.

There is a power in the universe called “Cause and Effect” or “karma” or whatever you want to call it. You see, the universe gives you exactly what YOU put into it. It does not discriminate or take sides, it just listens and spits back to you what you put into it, but it gives it back to you tenfold.

So essentially, I was getting everything I was giving out, times 10.

I did not realise I was so scared of being abandoned and that I was not good enough, until my 30’s. So looking back, I was so scared of being abandoned that I got abandoned EVERYTIME. Being abandoned and lonely was the story I was telling myself in my head and essentially what I was telling the universe.

I was so scared of being lonely that I met many women and had short term relationships with them but always felt lonely. I never loved myself so the universe never loved me. I never respected women so the universe never respected me.

Wow…..how clear is that for you as you read this right now?

So the universe is not built on love…it is not built on hate. It is not built on anything. It just exists. The universe just gives you whatever YOU put into it and whatever you think about and feel on a regular basis. As you and I know, the emotion that is most sustainable and cannot break you or lead you to depression and negative behaviour, is LOVE.

So as you have realised deeply, the universe is not built on LOVE, but this is the emotion that works best with it. So whatever you are doing right now, if you are hitting challenges in your life like how I used to, stop for a moment. Ask yourself if you are operating out of LOVE. If it is anything other than love you know what is going to come back. I am not trying to scare you or warn you, but moreso encourage you to live your best life before it is too late.

UNCONDITIONAL, GENUINE LOVE is the answer and you must start by respecting yourself, taking time to listen to your own needs, appreciating yourself, setting your own goals, creating habits or rituals to complement and assist you to achieve your goals….then take MASSIVE ACTION RIGHT NOW!!!

Whatever you do, wherever you are, whoever you think you are right now, know that you are not alone, you ARE worthy and are good enough and all it takes is for you to look inside yourself and love who you are right now. All of us are going through this challenge at some level and all of us have similar fears about not being good enough, not being loved and not belonging.

Start knowing that you ARE good enough, you ARE loved and you DO belong to yourself first and foremost – you are the answer to ALL your life’s challenges right now so start with loving YOU.

Then see what the universe and God will give back to you. Whatever you do, start with yourself, not your husband, children, friends or extended network. You MUST start with YOU!

Please feel free to ask questions or post comments as I am more than happy to answer your queries. As always, keep strong and have a Warrior day!

All my love,
Eddie.

dont get me back

I thought I would share with you why you should NOT go back with a “narcissist” – the person we described in our previous article. As some of you may or may not know, I have demonstrated some (if not all) of the symptoms of a narcissist in my earlier life so I know exactly why you should NOT go back to one. At times now I question myself if I have let go of all these traits – in fact many of us demonstrate narcissistic traits at some level.

It is important to note that narcissists can be male or female and in our society there is growing evidence of both genders displaying increasing traits of narcissism. It is a poor reflection of our society as narcissist are self consumed people who do not care for others unless they are fulfilling a need for the narc (shortened version of “narcissist”). Nevertheless, here is why you wouldn’t go back to the man or woman in your life who is a narcissist.

Whilst this is written in a manner that applies for men, if you are a woman with a narc in your life then this also applies to you:

  • You want to keep your standards

Basically, whenever you go back to a narc woman you are telling her she is worth it and you are worth nothing. In the first place you were attracted to her so it is a reflection of yourself that your standards are low and you are willing to tolerate and accept a person with low moral values and who does NOT respect you.

We never attract what we aren’t within ourselves so the responsibility comes back to us – this is our power and lets us know that we are in charge of the WHOLE process.

So it is important to get clear on the standard of relationship and woman you want as a partner in your life or you will not be able to move past her issues. When you are clear that this person is not somebody you really want in your life then you will not tolerate her projection and you will understand she is only projecting to make you feel devalued and she is actually preying on your vulnerabilities. It has nothing to do with you – UNLESS YOU MAKE IT TRUE!

You are at choice at all times so raise your standards today. In fact, create your standards in the first place as it is unlikely you will have standards in the first place. After when you raise your standards you will experience better results so long as you ensure that your rituals complement the standards you have set.

  • You will become like her – unhappy and shallow

    The more you stay with a person who has low values the more you will become like them. It is true that the sum of your closest friends and people you hang around with will be the value of your life in terms of wealth, love, happiness and so forth.

    She is not a happy person, no narcissist ever is so by being with them you will become exactly like them. After you first discover how they are you will want to take revenge and play their game but they are experts and do this for a living in order to survive their own personal challenges. Hence, you will always fail at this game as they are far better than you at this. So it is better that you focus on who you really are and tap into your own strengths.

    There is a saying – the longer you look into the abyss it will look back at you. Don’t risk changing who you are for a person that is not worth it. She will never be worth it.

  • She does not care about you – you are an extension of her

    At all times it is important to know that they view you only as an extension of them. They will never respect you but believe that you will run to them and need them and will always idolise them – essentially they believe you are a part of them that they own and control. When they need something or feel they are losing control of you they will become very caring and sweet but always remember this is designed to recapture you as their prey.

    If you don’t give them what they want, when they want you will notice that they get very angry and will project worthless remarks and actions onto you or punish you with violent behaviour or actions that will hurt you emotionally.

  • You lose sight of your goals & dreams – your focus fades

    When you are with these people you end up being so consumed by their lies and deception that you try to figure them out. They know this and will use it to make them feel great. The problem is when you end up trying so hard to figure them out and make things right and so forth, you end up losing sight of your dreams and goals.

    When this happens you feel like you are going nowhere and tend to end up in a depressive, helpless state. It is important that you do not lose focus of your dreams and goals as you have great dreams, great standards and great ability to manifest everything you want…RIGHT NOW!

  • You lose your healthy rituals

    Similar to losing sight of your dreams and goals, when you are so consumed by them you stop doing what you usually do and try to please them or spend time with them so you are not affected by them. They know this and are experts at confusing you and making you run after them and figure them out. They are the classic Houdini’s and experts at making you lose focus.

  • Your health fades

    Again, because you are so consumed by them and confused by them you lose focus on how to eat healthy. Especially when they behave in a manner that hurts you or break your trust by being sexually promiscuous behind your back – it leaves you in a state of shock, disbelief, hurt, feeling worthless, uncertain about trusting people, wanting to reconcile, wanting to take revenge and a host of other feelings which impact your ability to eat healthy and treat yourself with respect and the love you deserve.

  • You become unhappy

    Ultimately, by being in the presence of such an emotional vampire you become like them – unhappy and unhealthy as you lose everything that you held to be important. You become disillusioned about life and the more you try and control the situation and them the more you spiral out of control. Their lives are not in control as they project a false image for others. But you get sucked along for the ride and in the end you become unhealthy and unhappy.

  • You are at risk of health issues

    As you continue along the path of uncertainty and disillusionment you become unhealthy and stop eating and looking after your body. Further to this you are at risk of sexually transmitted infections. Again you must question the standards for your life.

    Narcs are not loyal and will do anything to get a “fix” of narcissistic supply. This means they will get it from wherever they can, even if it means getting sex on the side…regularly!

    So be clear on this. If you have a feeling this might be true then it probably is. Don’t think you can change them as this is their life and given a narcs sense of “grandiosity” and entitlement, they will not be sorry and will not want to change.

    It is up to you to change and draw the line in the sand. Imagine for a moment if you continue with them – how many sexual partners are you really sleeping with? What is the worst that you could contract by continuing to sleep with them?

    How will it impact your own life, your children and those around you if you contract a deadly virus from this person who does not care about you?

  • You will ALWAYS go through the same process every time you contact her or respond to her

    It is alarming how many of us think we can change a person. This is more a reflection of our own low sense of self-worth and our intention to control others. We cannot really control anybody else other than ourselves.

    So every time you think you can control her you will end up going through the same process and she will always not care about you. She will always value you, then devalue you, then discard you rather coldly – there is no exception to this rule.

    If you didn’t read that last part – THERE IS NO EXCEPTION TO THIS RULE.

  • They will always discard you in the end – they are afraid of love

    It is important to be clear that a person who is a narcissist and behaves in the manner that we have described is actually afraid of love. Unlike people who are challenged with relationships, instead of clinging on to a relationship that is about to break – they actually FACILITATE the breakup.

    Yes, they are afraid of you abandoning them in the end that they facilitate the breakup on their own terms instead of go through with a relationship that could breakup with them losing out.

    So they make sure it ends on their terms. As such they are never fully invested emotionally in the relationship and are always ready to let you go at any sign of weakness or disagreement in the relationship. They want you to breakup with them and engineer it, ultimately giving them a sense of control over the relationship breakup.

  • They always have numerous men available at any one time to fill the gap within themselves – they need “narcissistic supply

    It is hard to believe at first but it is true – they always have a constant supply of “narcissistic supply” available. Because adoration, admiration and acknowledgement are what they truly want they ensure they have constant supply of this around. As physical sex is the most powerful source of admiration they also make sure they have numerous men ready to “control” to give them a sense of entitlement when those men adore them.

    It is foolish to think that you can change this. In fact most people with this condition (narcissism) feel they are above everything else that they rarely seek treatment or some form of psychotherapy or counselling. Even counsellors are challenged with working with them as the narcissist is very charming and will inevitably think they are in control of the sessions and the therapist in also in love with them.

    So, whilst possible, it is highly unlikely that a narcissist will change their skin and the only time they contemplate possibly changing is in the event of a death of a close one, divorce or a serious life event. Even then, the likelihood of change is very little and they typically go back to their same patterns.

The great thing about everything we have shared though is that you are in total control – all the time! It is up to you to set your standards high, educate yourself on these patterns, come to terms with who you are dealing with, release your anger and frustration and (if you feel like it) forgive them so that you do not harbour any more anger – this will allow you to let them go easily. Note, you do not have to let them know you forgive them, just do this within yourself.

When you are ready then you will be better equipped to let them go and not fall back into any patterns that have been keeping you in the negative spiral with these emotional vampires. Whatever you do, do NOT go back…EVER, or suffer the consequences spelt out above. The choice is yours to make.

I trust this has been helpful – have a WARRIOR week and keep strong as always!

All my love,
Eddie.

narcissism

I thought I would write this as when I look around here in PNG there seem to be many people going through negative relationships and it seems to be everywhere. Alot are on the verge rr not full blown narcissistic relationships.  Don’t get me wrong,there are many great relationships out there but it seems that a lot of us here in PNG don’t seem to be managing ourselves and our relationships effectively and it is landing us in hot water more frequently than not. Hopefully this post will shed some light on why you might be in that situation in the first place and show you how you can get out of it if the relationship is breaking down your self esteem.

Please note that this applies to both genders as men and women can be very toxic and degrading to their partners and they don’t even have to lift a hand to do break their partner’s self confidence.

Many highly sensitive people whom I have coached have asked me why they end up in abusive relationships or with people who take total advantage of them. Some are already in these relationships and don’t know how to get out – they feel stuck, anxious and have given up as they feel they have no energy and such low self-esteem after the manipulation and battery (usually psychological battery but including physical).

There is hope – there is a way out!

If this is resonating then you might be one of the many people who are too kind to these emotional vampires that drain us of all our goodness and leave a total trail of destruction and unhappiness. It takes years and years to heal sometimes after all the hurt and self doubt and self blame about the negativity of it all.

Please know this truth – YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME and THERE IS A WAY OUT AND TO HEALING YOUR LIFE!

Trust me, I’ve been one of those vampires and I’ve been on the receiving end – it is not a good existence. My decision to question my whole existence only a few years ago has enabled be to see who I was and why I didn’t want to live that life.

You see, some people are so pathological in their approach that they never really care for their victims (or potential victims). I should really be using the word “partners” however this is not how you are viewed if being pursued by these types of people. In their eyes you are a prize that they must have. So they do everything they can to win you over, they inflate your ego, make your family feel really good about you, they mirror everything about you say all that you need to hear to get you to fall in love with them. In fact we all mirror eachother to some level however pathological citizens seem to go to another level. Most of them know they do not want anything to do with you and have an exit plan almost ready…but they cannot help it at all as they are usually programmed by their mid 20’s and definitely by their 30’s to not give a f#@k about you. So they go through their routine and when you start questioning them they run. It’s harsh but it’s true. By this time though it’s usually already too late to stop an emotional pain from happening.

So because you are so soft and caring (if you’re a female) or if you want to be the rescuer in her life (if you are a male) then you gladly accept this over the top flattery as you have been hoping for this for a long time. So gladly we accept it and warm to it and let all our defences down.

Soon after however, they start devaluing you – this is the second phase after they inflate your ego. Typically this happens for the following reasons:

  • They feel comfortable they can control you even after you push them away in an effort to set some healthy boundaries for yourself (and maybe your children);
  • They are bored with the mundane routine you have set since becoming familiar with one another – life is not as exciting anymore;
  • They are offended by the comments you have raised about their irregular behaviour or perceived lies – pathological liars are just that, they will be lying so trust your gut! They typically know that at some point you will find out who they are so they have a timeline to play their game and get you “hooked” hopefully for life.

In this second phase their true colours start to come through. It’s almost like a mask has been removed and you are left pretty much in disbelief as you try to grasp what has just happened. Naturally your own ego tries to control the situation and you find yourself bargaining and making exceptions and letting them back in, all the while angry at yourself for not trusting your gut or enforcing your healthy boundaries. You might even try to react and take revenge but you again end up stuck. In fact almost every ego reaction leaves you stuck with them, even further into their web of lies, deceit and pain….while your own life gets sucked out of you.

They know this too so they keep doing it.

The truth is, abusive partners, narcissists, people with pathological disorders and other similar types of personality disorders simply don’t care – you are a commodity to them and the sooner you realise this the faster you will move toward acceptance and having the power to remove yourself for good. They have been taught this and it is deeply embedded into their life patterns and thinking, so if you are waiting for change or a “genuine” apology – keep holding your breath. It NEVER comes!

Finally, if they have found somebody else that meets their needs to control them, all the time whilst towing you along, they will simply discard you. Another truth is, they will ALWAYS be on the lookout for new “narcissistic supply” – essentially more victims to feed their low self esteem.

How many of you have ever experienced this? Be honest with yourselves now.

As some of you may know, as the victim you are left speechless, your ego wanting to leave but also wanting to redeem the situation and bargain with this evil person, you feel sorrow and massive pain that is unlike the breakup of other relationships – this is devastating.

They know it and they don’t care as that is why you were attracted to them in the first place – you were not full of your own self love that’s why you simply depended on them. So essentially your ego does not want to let them go, it wants familiarity even if you hate them by this time.

For many of you, you understand exactly how this feels don’t you. And for some, this is the cycle you have been living for quite some time and are looking at this article not by chance – it is likely it is resonating as you have been seeking this answer.

There’s so much to explain so let’s take it one article at a time.

Let’s start by answering, WHY did I attract such evil in the first place?

Here is a list of reasons why soft hearted, kind people attract evil personalities (such as that described above) into our lives:

  1. Your giving nature means you often put other people’s needs before your own.
  2. You’re so open that you take on other people’s stuff like emotional storage containers.
  3. If you have low self-esteem you will overlook the signs that things aren’t right, that you aren’t being treated right and so you ignore the injuries to yourself and let it continue, even when your gut tells you to run when you first meet them.
  4. If you feel like a victim or have been victimised in the past, you will project that belief outwards. Narcissists will pick up on it and home in on you as a target.
  5. Your sensitivity to other people’s feelings means it can feel wrong to say no. Know that you are not responsible for other people’s feelings.

So far it is sounding a lot familiar to your life and you want it to stop. But “how do I stop” you ask yourself? You probably have been trying for some time but they keep coming back and you keep letting them in.

Here are some ways to change your future results and leave this person for good!

MOST IMPORTANT NOTE IN THIS ARTICLE: It starts with YOU.

yes, you are in complete control of whether you respond to them, whether you let them back in or not, and YOU are in charge of ALL your life’s results. Take some time to ponder this.

You have to change your beliefs about yourself and the way you feel about yourself by incorporating a few of the following strategies:

  1. Healthy Boundaries – set up boundaries to keep yourself safe. Learn to let in people who will be there for you and keep out the people who only want something from you.
  2. Change your FOCUS – Focus on your positive qualities and feel good about yourself, by yourself. Write in a journal to get your feelings out and develop an awareness of who you are, your feelings and your beliefs. Writing helps you understand and process your emotions and eventually you stop reacting – it is a powerful form of self therapy.
  3. Serve others – do things that are genuine unconditional and make you feel good such as serving in a charity. The more you give love and serve others the more you will experience love in your life – it is just a great feeling. It sounds selfish but this is part of why I serve all those that I do as I love to feel good and to feel love in my life – it is THE MOST POWERFUL EMOTION!
  4. Learn – learn all you can about controlling your own ego, narcissism, sociopathy and other personality disorders. The chances of you leaving straight away are slim however the more you learn the more you will become empowered and stop judging yourself from letting such an evil being into your life.
  5. Values – write down all the values you want in a relationship and write down what percentage you are demonstrating in your own life. For example, if you want 100% honesty from a partner, you need to really ask yourself whether you are 100% honest with others, your loved one, your friends, your business associates and most importantly – are you 100% honest with yourself? If you are anything less than 100% then you must start with developing this within yourself before you can expect it from others. Apply this methodology to the other values you have written down – it is a great self reflection exercise.

Let’s start with the above strategies. It’s up to you now to do the work and make your life better. Please understand however that these humans are still God’s creatures but they have learnt some limiting beliefs about themselves along the way that make them project their lack of self esteem onto others. It is somewhat comforting to know that their problems and everything they say is merely a reflection of them, not you. But trying to “fix” them is unhealthy for you – you deserve somebody who manages their own emotions well and reflects your higher self after you have done some self work.

It is a process and will be challenging but keep accepting the challenges and the emotions as they arise. The more you stay on this path you will realise that it gets better….ALL THE TIME! (but only if you stick to the path)

So stop moping around in that dark place and decide right now what kind of life you want to live – you have every chance to make it a great one and to become an even stronger Warrior. Warrior Culture is on your team and to answer all your questions so ask away.

In the meantime, stay blessed and keep rising Warrior!

Eddie.

I had an interesting conversation with a colleague recently. I overheard him telling somebody else that he can get any woman he wants, even “expensive” women, but it costs money. That (money) is how you can win a woman’s heart apparently.

My immediate thinking was, “what is an expensive woman?” and so being the curious person I am, I asked him. In response he explained that there are two types of women – expensive ones (which were supposedly the good ones) and the rest of them. So I asked him how you go about getting an expensive women and he responded, “You only get them when you have money”.

Expensive women are supposedly the really nice women who are classy, have great taste, have higher expectations and are used to the finer things in life however they are usually hard to get, don’t play around with or respect little boys who have no money and the like.

I hoped the light bulbs went off as I responded that they are expensive because you are “paying for them” essentially. If they weren’t then there probably wouldn’t be lot of broke men here in Papua New Guinea who are well educated and well employed but who spend all their extra time and money on these “expensive” women.

So we debated this topic a bit but in his eyes expensive women were the best kind of women in Papua New Guinea but it comes with a price. Well, “I wonder why” I kept thinking to myself.

It’s amazing however, as I look around in today’s society – there are a lot of women, and men, who want the expensive things in life and like to be known as the “classy” people in life. It is these very people who deny their traditional roots at times (typically when it suits) however in our discussion it was interesting that expensive women (or men for that matter) were rated on the material aspects that they are able to enjoy in life.

It is no wonder that our country is plagued with corruption, violence, fear and the other associated mindset challenges – our people are so focused on the short term and the material aspects of life that we are willing to forgo everything else.

Again, it is no wonder our people’s relationships are more physical based or lustful, money focused, short term oriented and we as a people are struggling (For the record, I am certain it is not just in PNG). Some of the core fundamental of our value systems seem twisted – It was evident in how this colleague of mine adamantly defended his stance. Naturally, I respected his stance but am of different opinion of how to win a woman’s heart.

I may be wrong though, do women just want material things in our society – is it changing? Do women just want money hence many women, especially young women, are offering themselves up to “big men” with money in order to secure their futures?

It begs the question though: What about a woman with good values, respect, honour, tradition, enjoys life, is focused, humourous and has good moral standing? Do we not want this woman anymore?

The same can be asked about men.

Are our men so blind that we have lost focus on what really makes us happy, and are our women also losing their place in our Melanesian country? 

How do you feel about this?

By Eddie Aila

SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO: My next article will be on how PNG men can regain their masculinity without needing to be abusive or give up their place in society. In fact men can be “men” and enhance their leadership in society by following some simple rules and techniques that are probably the opposite of what they are doing in their lives right now.

Think big, get big

Posted: May 19, 2014 in Family Violence

Here’s a quick tip for all you Nogutpapa and Warrior Culture followers out there for today, Tuesday the 20th of May 2014:

If you are hitting some walls in your life TODAY in your relationships, work, life in general….it is precisely because your current level of thinking and self questions are creating this result.

think big

As you have guessed, this means that in order to change the results of your life TODAY, you must change the level of self questioning in every moment so that your thinking rises to a higher level.

In short, if this was mathematics equation, it would look like this:

Current thinking = current problems

Poor thinking = poor results

Better thinking = better results

Empowered thinking = empowered results

Awesome thinking = awesome results

You can try to take short cuts and fiddle around making excuses, justifying, being violent, being abusive, blaming, staying in your comfort zone and taking shortcuts but there is no replacement for great thinking and great action.

Stop kidding yourself and hurting yourself…..and step up TODAY! Enhance your level of thinking TODAY by simply thinking better!

Keep rising Warriors!

#WarriorFathers
#WarriorMothers
#WarriorSisters
#WarriorBrothers
#WarriorChildren
#WarriorFamilies
#PNGWarriors

let go

“Happiness is not something you postpone for the future; it is something you design for the present.” ~Jim Rohn

Sometimes I feel like I’ve spent the better part of my life chasing after happiness. It always seemed like happiness stayed just a tad bit out of my grasp—somewhere in the future that I could always see, but not quite touch.

For instance, when I was a kid, I believed I’d be happy if I got an admission into a good college. In college, I believed that I’d be happy if I got a good job. When I got a job, I believed that I’d be happy if I got a promotion and a raise. And on and on it went.

Every time I reached a goal, it seemed like the next goal was where true happiness lay.

Sadly, this affected my personal life as well. I thought, “When I find a great guy, I’ll be happy. Wait, to be truly happy, we need to first get married. Being married is great, but we need to have kids to find real joy. Gosh, our baby needs to grow up a little so we can really enjoy being with her…” And so on.

For more than thirty-five years, I’ve chased happiness on this path, not realizing what a futile chase it was.

And then, about two years back, I was abruptly jolted out of it.

One evening, on a day that had started out like any other, I found myself at the hospital with my three-year-old daughter in tow, waiting outside the emergency room that my husband lay in.

After a week at the hospital, my husband came out okay. However, it fundamentally changed the way I look at life.

For the first time I saw the futility of our chase. I still believe that goals are important and we should strive to achieve them. But now, I see them more as mile markers in life’s journey, not having much to do with happiness.

Happiness, it turns out, is not something we go after. It’s something already within us. We just need to clear up some clutter to find it.

The two years that followed have been an amazing journey of slowly letting go of some of that clutter in the quest to find the true happiness within. It’s still a work-in-progress, but here are the things I’ve been striving to let go.

1. Let go of trying to control everything.

The only thing that we can truly control is our own attitude and reactions. Once we accept that, we can find happiness right where we are, irrespective of how things turn out. This was perhaps the hardest but the most necessary part of the transformation for me.

2. Let go of trying to please everyone.

Every time we pretend to be someone, it takes us away from our true selves, and from our place of happiness. It was hard at first to stop trying to please others. Eventually I realized how liberating it was to dare to be myself!

3. Let go of the sense of entitlement.

I often found myself asking “Why me?” It was hard to replace that with “Why not?” After all, everyone gets their share of joys and sorrows; why should I somehow be above it and deserve only the joys?

4. Let go of resentment.

Unless we walk in the shoes of the other, we really don’t know the reason for their behavior. Carrying resentment only hurts us and delays any repair. I cannot tell you how amazing it’s been to let go of some of the resentment I didn’t even know I’d been carrying for years!

Read the rest of Sumithar’s article at the following link:

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/16-things-let-go-live-truly-happy-life/

I recently came across an incident of violence where a son was beating up their mother. This happened regularly I was told. Naturally it is difficult for the mother to turn her child in to police as she loves them so much.

She called late at night, desperate, helpless and frustrated and we spoke about how to move past this challenge in an empowered manner. This post does not make excuses for violence in any way and naturally anybody from the outside would say lock them up or report them to the police. However, try telling the mother that.

So this article is to highlight some (not all) ways on how to deal with this situation if you are a woman in this situation so we can all share and learn from this.

The mother expressed that she was scared of her son who beat her up when under the influence and occasionally and was upset they had been raised in their situation where they mother had a violent ex-partner and suffered many years under him, and their own father had been deceased some years ago. It is actually not uncommon to many people to experience this scenario.

After listening to her words, and guiding her along the way she began to develop some deep insights into herself which she had never realised:

  • Her love for herself and self-trust was only about 50%. It actually took her some time to answer this and that’s fine, looking within is often hard for anybody. She wants 100% now.
  • She had been seeking happiness in her ex-partner and things “outside” of her, until now where she realised in our discussions that God is not up in the sky – God STARTS inside YOU so seek to understand yourself, your heart and your mind first;
  • She realised it was about speaking from the heart and understanding others feelings first and foremost – true communication is listening, not imposing your stuff onto others;
  • She realised that she must look forward, as looking back would keep tripping her up moving forward – yes, “LOSE THE STORY” as we all have one, and accept the past. We are all special but we are no more special than everybody else right now. Imagine running in a straight line but looking back…how awkward, unnatural and confused would that be?
  • She realised also that “trying” meant she would never succeed and that she must either “do” something or “not do it”…as staying on the middle path breeds confusion, anxiety, depression, anger, blame and everything else.

So like you, as you read this, she realised even more deeply that all she needs to do now, is to raise her level of thinking and keep seeking options. Instead of feeling “resigned” and powerless to move past this situation, she now has “accepted” her situation, accepted the past and the present, and is looking at the options that are available to her all the time if she keeps her mind open to them – this is what God really gives us. The mind is one giant, infinite universe where you can manifest whatever you want….literally! And in fact we are all manifesting exactly what we are thinking right now…Look around you – you are exactly where you think you should be today!

Before she got off the phone she was smiling and laughing and she realised everything is a choice. Setting boundaries also is a choice and the greatest gift she can give her son right now is to shine her own light and self-love and self-trust so he can shine his. Naturally however, this may also mean letting them go and learning for themselves the importance of others and their boundaries and if it keeps being serious the police is definitely an option, albeit one where she does not want to take.

Yes…”Shining your light” means you know you belong, you are loved and you are ALREADY good enough. So start with yourself and if you’re already doing it, do it even more, amplify it so much – there are never any limits.

This article is for you my friend and for all those whom it touches, both men, women and children. Keep shining and embracing the true you and thank you for having the courage to dig deep – it was great to hear you laughing as you hung up. You give hope with your courage for many others who are going through this – thank you for your share!

What do you think about the new Warrior Culture logo?

Hey Warrior family,

What do you think of this logo for Warrior Culture? I think it’s pretty cool and am excited about where we are heading as an organisation with the work we will be be doing.

Let us know how you feel about the proposed logo…

As always, strength to you and keep being a Warrior!

cheers,
Eddie.

Image  —  Posted: March 30, 2014 in Family Violence

Setting personal boundaries is healthy - stop talking about it and do it

Imagine going to work for somebody however after 1 month they had not paid you, then after 6 months it was the same and after 6 years it was still the same. In the meantime you kept blaming, complaining, yelling and screaming, maybe being aggressive, threatening even, telling a lie or two here and there and everything else you have begun to think about as you read this…….Yes, imagine that scenario.

How similar is this to the relationships some of us are in – whether work, whether sporting teams, whether with extended wantoks and family or simply in our personal relationships with the one we love so much, or at least say we do because we think we truly love somebody because we sacrifice so much of ourselves and put up with so much of their faults.

The truth is if you are in this situation right now, you are actually thriving on in some manner as it gives you a temporary sense of importance and righteousness. It lasts only for a little while though as the sense of righteousness, importance, power and whatever you feel quickly dissipates when you finish gossiping, complaining and everything else.

I know if it were me, and this is a skillset I have developed much later in my life, if I am with somebody who is not upholding themselves or managing their emotions or their lives or are imposing themselves on me and expecting me to “carry” them, then I quickly ask them to take responsibility and release me from their burden.

As a business owner I also apply this to business colleagues, clients, potential clients and it is equally important in my extended family and in a potential relationship. I know if somebody is not carrying themselves today I need to respect their ability to find themselves and carry themselves however if I do it for them then I am disrespecting their infinite ability to do it for themselves…as well as disrespecting my values and my boundaries.

There is nothing worse than a man complaining about their wife or partner and he keeps going and going and going. It is an ear sore and an eye sore because he looks so miserable and hasn’t slept in days but he is happy to put it on you without him making any hard decisions in his life. The same applies to women as you know.

You see, when I used to make exceptions for others, it soon became my problem and I would be the freebie shoulder – it got pretty tiring.

Although some people want to change and so forth, some are deeply rooted in negative belief systems or behaviour and it can take considerable time to change. Ultimately however they are the ONLY ones that can decide to change and take the appropriate action to change. It is definitely possible to love somebody like this but if you are starting to doubt and do not feel good about staying then it may be time to pull out as by staying on, you are actually making it YOUR problem also.

I am not encouraging you to leave or stay if you are in this situation. I am however, simply asking you to make sure you are happy with your decisions. If you stay, remember that “acceptance” goes a long way and your acceptance of them will help but if they are clearly taking advantage of this situation then it’s YOU with the issues and they are usually “control” issues. If you are gossiping, getting angry, feel deep in your heart it isn’t right or feel negative about it in some way then just tune right into yourself and that voice in your head.

Do what you know is right for you, even if it feels scary. Your gut instinct is usually the best. Warriors, set your boundaries and make sure you put yourself and your deep internal happiness first. After this you will know how to give this to others (in business, friends, relatives, relationship) without complaints, needing anything back and so forth. This type of relationship will manifest many returns in itself.

Awesome Sunday to you and keep rising Warriors!

Eddie:)

Image  —  Posted: March 30, 2014 in Family Violence

Family Violence is not a gender issue, it's a people empowerment issue

I recently spoke at the PNG National Women’s Day dinner hosted at the PNG Parliament House that was kindly hosted by Honourable Minister Loujaya Kouza. Naturally I spoke about Warrior Culture – Men Against Family Violence and what we do with the men in our workshops. Minister Kouza, being the progressive and dynamic female leader she is, understood the stories that I shared, including my own personal journey. I believe some men cried and the women had a chance to understand the issues that us men face and take a moment to listen to the “other” side.

Afterward however, as I was leaving the function, a very nice lady came up to me and said, “Eddie, thank you for your story – I agree that it’s men with the ego’s and pride problems in our community. They are the ones with the problem, not us women”. I hope there weren’t too many women like her, who did not get my message otherwise I’m a poor communicator. Anyway…

Calmly I stated that she was actually wrong. Ego, pride and fear are in fact human conditions and women are displaying symptoms of this just as frequently as men. In fact, I told her, “women are committing extremely high levels of Family Violence in PNG and I would dare say that women are committing HIGHER levels of Family Violence than us men”. She was stumped as this had never occurred to her before.

I went on to explain that whilst men commit higher levels of physical violence (probably because we are physically bigger) the following is true about women in our country:

• Women are using emotional, psychological and verbal abuse…and sometimes sexual and economic abuse to control and manipulate others for personal gain. Without statistics I cannot say for certain but my own observation indicates that the level of this kind of violence actually “exceeds” physical violence committed by men.

The scary thing is we don’t even raise this up as an issue when discussing Family Violence in our community as we have learnt to accept it and the emotional trauma that it causes…even in us men.

How are we supposed to help men, AND women, AND families in our communities if we are allowing us to verbally, emotionally and psychologically hurt each other? How long do we keep tolerating this and what price will our families pay if we keep accepting it? What negative belief systems are we encouraging when we say nothing but accept it?

I don’t think women understand fully that their sons will probably enter into a relationship with a woman just like them and if they are verbally, emotionally or psychologically abusive then their sons will experience the same. How would you feel about this if you are a mother and your son was going through this?

• A considerable number of women have a high level of fear and anxiety in our country hence they tend to want to “own” social issues and gossip, put down others (especially other women) and not assist each other, they lie, make excuses, are judgemental and commit many other frowned upon behaviours by societal standards. In extreme cases women are selling their bodies to hopefully achieve a new lifestyle, income and much more. I make no judgements on them however as fear will make a person (men included) act in ways that we cannot understand. Not at first anyway.

• Many women are also physically abusive using their fists, wood, iron poles, knives and other weapons against the men in our country. This is more common than we acknowledge.
As I told the lady that night, I work with men to solve one side of the coin. However, fear is a human condition and men and women, young and old are suffering from this – it is a part of who we are as the human species. It is a problem however, if we impose our fears on another’s freedoms and ultimate right to live happily and at choice.

For me, here are the truths I see in the Family Violence struggle in PNG:

• Family Violence is not a gender issue when you understand it fully – men AND women are committing violence every day. They commit physical, emotional, verbal, psychological, social, economic, sexual and other forms of violence – ANY one of these forms of violence is FAMILY VIOLENCE so thank you for getting clear as you read this.

• Any Family Violence is ultimately a form of self fear manifested and projected onto others. Self fear stems from thinking you are not good enough, don’t belong and/or are not loved hence if you look closely, all the arguments around you are because those people are not feeling the above at some level but they actually want to feel that.

• Fundamentally, “not” thinking you “belong, are loved or are good enough” stems from belief systems you have consciously or (usually) subconsciously chosen to develop about yourself at some point in your life.

It was a great opportunity for me to share with her in more detail that we do not point fingers against women or men, but understand that our society as a whole has belief structures that are contributing to this issue so let’s help everybody – men AND women, as we are all regularly committing family violence every day and most of us don’t even know we are, especially with emotional and psychological abuse.

Food for thought anyway. I’d love for you to share your thoughts and feelings about this area.

Keep strong and have a powerful, successful and happy week being your best Warrior brothers and sisters!

Eddie.

Image  —  Posted: March 30, 2014 in Family Violence