narcissism

I thought I would write this as when I look around here in PNG there seem to be many people going through negative relationships and it seems to be everywhere. Alot are on the verge rr not full blown narcissistic relationships.  Don’t get me wrong,there are many great relationships out there but it seems that a lot of us here in PNG don’t seem to be managing ourselves and our relationships effectively and it is landing us in hot water more frequently than not. Hopefully this post will shed some light on why you might be in that situation in the first place and show you how you can get out of it if the relationship is breaking down your self esteem.

Please note that this applies to both genders as men and women can be very toxic and degrading to their partners and they don’t even have to lift a hand to do break their partner’s self confidence.

Many highly sensitive people whom I have coached have asked me why they end up in abusive relationships or with people who take total advantage of them. Some are already in these relationships and don’t know how to get out – they feel stuck, anxious and have given up as they feel they have no energy and such low self-esteem after the manipulation and battery (usually psychological battery but including physical).

There is hope – there is a way out!

If this is resonating then you might be one of the many people who are too kind to these emotional vampires that drain us of all our goodness and leave a total trail of destruction and unhappiness. It takes years and years to heal sometimes after all the hurt and self doubt and self blame about the negativity of it all.

Please know this truth – YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME and THERE IS A WAY OUT AND TO HEALING YOUR LIFE!

Trust me, I’ve been one of those vampires and I’ve been on the receiving end – it is not a good existence. My decision to question my whole existence only a few years ago has enabled be to see who I was and why I didn’t want to live that life.

You see, some people are so pathological in their approach that they never really care for their victims (or potential victims). I should really be using the word “partners” however this is not how you are viewed if being pursued by these types of people. In their eyes you are a prize that they must have. So they do everything they can to win you over, they inflate your ego, make your family feel really good about you, they mirror everything about you say all that you need to hear to get you to fall in love with them. In fact we all mirror eachother to some level however pathological citizens seem to go to another level. Most of them know they do not want anything to do with you and have an exit plan almost ready…but they cannot help it at all as they are usually programmed by their mid 20’s and definitely by their 30’s to not give a f#@k about you. So they go through their routine and when you start questioning them they run. It’s harsh but it’s true. By this time though it’s usually already too late to stop an emotional pain from happening.

So because you are so soft and caring (if you’re a female) or if you want to be the rescuer in her life (if you are a male) then you gladly accept this over the top flattery as you have been hoping for this for a long time. So gladly we accept it and warm to it and let all our defences down.

Soon after however, they start devaluing you – this is the second phase after they inflate your ego. Typically this happens for the following reasons:

  • They feel comfortable they can control you even after you push them away in an effort to set some healthy boundaries for yourself (and maybe your children);
  • They are bored with the mundane routine you have set since becoming familiar with one another – life is not as exciting anymore;
  • They are offended by the comments you have raised about their irregular behaviour or perceived lies – pathological liars are just that, they will be lying so trust your gut! They typically know that at some point you will find out who they are so they have a timeline to play their game and get you “hooked” hopefully for life.

In this second phase their true colours start to come through. It’s almost like a mask has been removed and you are left pretty much in disbelief as you try to grasp what has just happened. Naturally your own ego tries to control the situation and you find yourself bargaining and making exceptions and letting them back in, all the while angry at yourself for not trusting your gut or enforcing your healthy boundaries. You might even try to react and take revenge but you again end up stuck. In fact almost every ego reaction leaves you stuck with them, even further into their web of lies, deceit and pain….while your own life gets sucked out of you.

They know this too so they keep doing it.

The truth is, abusive partners, narcissists, people with pathological disorders and other similar types of personality disorders simply don’t care – you are a commodity to them and the sooner you realise this the faster you will move toward acceptance and having the power to remove yourself for good. They have been taught this and it is deeply embedded into their life patterns and thinking, so if you are waiting for change or a “genuine” apology – keep holding your breath. It NEVER comes!

Finally, if they have found somebody else that meets their needs to control them, all the time whilst towing you along, they will simply discard you. Another truth is, they will ALWAYS be on the lookout for new “narcissistic supply” – essentially more victims to feed their low self esteem.

How many of you have ever experienced this? Be honest with yourselves now.

As some of you may know, as the victim you are left speechless, your ego wanting to leave but also wanting to redeem the situation and bargain with this evil person, you feel sorrow and massive pain that is unlike the breakup of other relationships – this is devastating.

They know it and they don’t care as that is why you were attracted to them in the first place – you were not full of your own self love that’s why you simply depended on them. So essentially your ego does not want to let them go, it wants familiarity even if you hate them by this time.

For many of you, you understand exactly how this feels don’t you. And for some, this is the cycle you have been living for quite some time and are looking at this article not by chance – it is likely it is resonating as you have been seeking this answer.

There’s so much to explain so let’s take it one article at a time.

Let’s start by answering, WHY did I attract such evil in the first place?

Here is a list of reasons why soft hearted, kind people attract evil personalities (such as that described above) into our lives:

  1. Your giving nature means you often put other people’s needs before your own.
  2. You’re so open that you take on other people’s stuff like emotional storage containers.
  3. If you have low self-esteem you will overlook the signs that things aren’t right, that you aren’t being treated right and so you ignore the injuries to yourself and let it continue, even when your gut tells you to run when you first meet them.
  4. If you feel like a victim or have been victimised in the past, you will project that belief outwards. Narcissists will pick up on it and home in on you as a target.
  5. Your sensitivity to other people’s feelings means it can feel wrong to say no. Know that you are not responsible for other people’s feelings.

So far it is sounding a lot familiar to your life and you want it to stop. But “how do I stop” you ask yourself? You probably have been trying for some time but they keep coming back and you keep letting them in.

Here are some ways to change your future results and leave this person for good!

MOST IMPORTANT NOTE IN THIS ARTICLE: It starts with YOU.

yes, you are in complete control of whether you respond to them, whether you let them back in or not, and YOU are in charge of ALL your life’s results. Take some time to ponder this.

You have to change your beliefs about yourself and the way you feel about yourself by incorporating a few of the following strategies:

  1. Healthy Boundaries – set up boundaries to keep yourself safe. Learn to let in people who will be there for you and keep out the people who only want something from you.
  2. Change your FOCUS – Focus on your positive qualities and feel good about yourself, by yourself. Write in a journal to get your feelings out and develop an awareness of who you are, your feelings and your beliefs. Writing helps you understand and process your emotions and eventually you stop reacting – it is a powerful form of self therapy.
  3. Serve others – do things that are genuine unconditional and make you feel good such as serving in a charity. The more you give love and serve others the more you will experience love in your life – it is just a great feeling. It sounds selfish but this is part of why I serve all those that I do as I love to feel good and to feel love in my life – it is THE MOST POWERFUL EMOTION!
  4. Learn – learn all you can about controlling your own ego, narcissism, sociopathy and other personality disorders. The chances of you leaving straight away are slim however the more you learn the more you will become empowered and stop judging yourself from letting such an evil being into your life.
  5. Values – write down all the values you want in a relationship and write down what percentage you are demonstrating in your own life. For example, if you want 100% honesty from a partner, you need to really ask yourself whether you are 100% honest with others, your loved one, your friends, your business associates and most importantly – are you 100% honest with yourself? If you are anything less than 100% then you must start with developing this within yourself before you can expect it from others. Apply this methodology to the other values you have written down – it is a great self reflection exercise.

Let’s start with the above strategies. It’s up to you now to do the work and make your life better. Please understand however that these humans are still God’s creatures but they have learnt some limiting beliefs about themselves along the way that make them project their lack of self esteem onto others. It is somewhat comforting to know that their problems and everything they say is merely a reflection of them, not you. But trying to “fix” them is unhealthy for you – you deserve somebody who manages their own emotions well and reflects your higher self after you have done some self work.

It is a process and will be challenging but keep accepting the challenges and the emotions as they arise. The more you stay on this path you will realise that it gets better….ALL THE TIME! (but only if you stick to the path)

So stop moping around in that dark place and decide right now what kind of life you want to live – you have every chance to make it a great one and to become an even stronger Warrior. Warrior Culture is on your team and to answer all your questions so ask away.

In the meantime, stay blessed and keep rising Warrior!

Eddie.

I had an interesting conversation with a colleague recently. I overheard him telling somebody else that he can get any woman he wants, even “expensive” women, but it costs money. That (money) is how you can win a woman’s heart apparently.

My immediate thinking was, “what is an expensive woman?” and so being the curious person I am, I asked him. In response he explained that there are two types of women – expensive ones (which were supposedly the good ones) and the rest of them. So I asked him how you go about getting an expensive women and he responded, “You only get them when you have money”.

Expensive women are supposedly the really nice women who are classy, have great taste, have higher expectations and are used to the finer things in life however they are usually hard to get, don’t play around with or respect little boys who have no money and the like.

I hoped the light bulbs went off as I responded that they are expensive because you are “paying for them” essentially. If they weren’t then there probably wouldn’t be lot of broke men here in Papua New Guinea who are well educated and well employed but who spend all their extra time and money on these “expensive” women.

So we debated this topic a bit but in his eyes expensive women were the best kind of women in Papua New Guinea but it comes with a price. Well, “I wonder why” I kept thinking to myself.

It’s amazing however, as I look around in today’s society – there are a lot of women, and men, who want the expensive things in life and like to be known as the “classy” people in life. It is these very people who deny their traditional roots at times (typically when it suits) however in our discussion it was interesting that expensive women (or men for that matter) were rated on the material aspects that they are able to enjoy in life.

It is no wonder that our country is plagued with corruption, violence, fear and the other associated mindset challenges – our people are so focused on the short term and the material aspects of life that we are willing to forgo everything else.

Again, it is no wonder our people’s relationships are more physical based or lustful, money focused, short term oriented and we as a people are struggling (For the record, I am certain it is not just in PNG). Some of the core fundamental of our value systems seem twisted – It was evident in how this colleague of mine adamantly defended his stance. Naturally, I respected his stance but am of different opinion of how to win a woman’s heart.

I may be wrong though, do women just want material things in our society – is it changing? Do women just want money hence many women, especially young women, are offering themselves up to “big men” with money in order to secure their futures?

It begs the question though: What about a woman with good values, respect, honour, tradition, enjoys life, is focused, humourous and has good moral standing? Do we not want this woman anymore?

The same can be asked about men.

Are our men so blind that we have lost focus on what really makes us happy, and are our women also losing their place in our Melanesian country? 

How do you feel about this?

By Eddie Aila

SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO: My next article will be on how PNG men can regain their masculinity without needing to be abusive or give up their place in society. In fact men can be “men” and enhance their leadership in society by following some simple rules and techniques that are probably the opposite of what they are doing in their lives right now.

Think big, get big

Posted: May 19, 2014 in Family Violence

Here’s a quick tip for all you Nogutpapa and Warrior Culture followers out there for today, Tuesday the 20th of May 2014:

If you are hitting some walls in your life TODAY in your relationships, work, life in general….it is precisely because your current level of thinking and self questions are creating this result.

think big

As you have guessed, this means that in order to change the results of your life TODAY, you must change the level of self questioning in every moment so that your thinking rises to a higher level.

In short, if this was mathematics equation, it would look like this:

Current thinking = current problems

Poor thinking = poor results

Better thinking = better results

Empowered thinking = empowered results

Awesome thinking = awesome results

You can try to take short cuts and fiddle around making excuses, justifying, being violent, being abusive, blaming, staying in your comfort zone and taking shortcuts but there is no replacement for great thinking and great action.

Stop kidding yourself and hurting yourself…..and step up TODAY! Enhance your level of thinking TODAY by simply thinking better!

Keep rising Warriors!

#WarriorFathers
#WarriorMothers
#WarriorSisters
#WarriorBrothers
#WarriorChildren
#WarriorFamilies
#PNGWarriors

let go

“Happiness is not something you postpone for the future; it is something you design for the present.” ~Jim Rohn

Sometimes I feel like I’ve spent the better part of my life chasing after happiness. It always seemed like happiness stayed just a tad bit out of my grasp—somewhere in the future that I could always see, but not quite touch.

For instance, when I was a kid, I believed I’d be happy if I got an admission into a good college. In college, I believed that I’d be happy if I got a good job. When I got a job, I believed that I’d be happy if I got a promotion and a raise. And on and on it went.

Every time I reached a goal, it seemed like the next goal was where true happiness lay.

Sadly, this affected my personal life as well. I thought, “When I find a great guy, I’ll be happy. Wait, to be truly happy, we need to first get married. Being married is great, but we need to have kids to find real joy. Gosh, our baby needs to grow up a little so we can really enjoy being with her…” And so on.

For more than thirty-five years, I’ve chased happiness on this path, not realizing what a futile chase it was.

And then, about two years back, I was abruptly jolted out of it.

One evening, on a day that had started out like any other, I found myself at the hospital with my three-year-old daughter in tow, waiting outside the emergency room that my husband lay in.

After a week at the hospital, my husband came out okay. However, it fundamentally changed the way I look at life.

For the first time I saw the futility of our chase. I still believe that goals are important and we should strive to achieve them. But now, I see them more as mile markers in life’s journey, not having much to do with happiness.

Happiness, it turns out, is not something we go after. It’s something already within us. We just need to clear up some clutter to find it.

The two years that followed have been an amazing journey of slowly letting go of some of that clutter in the quest to find the true happiness within. It’s still a work-in-progress, but here are the things I’ve been striving to let go.

1. Let go of trying to control everything.

The only thing that we can truly control is our own attitude and reactions. Once we accept that, we can find happiness right where we are, irrespective of how things turn out. This was perhaps the hardest but the most necessary part of the transformation for me.

2. Let go of trying to please everyone.

Every time we pretend to be someone, it takes us away from our true selves, and from our place of happiness. It was hard at first to stop trying to please others. Eventually I realized how liberating it was to dare to be myself!

3. Let go of the sense of entitlement.

I often found myself asking “Why me?” It was hard to replace that with “Why not?” After all, everyone gets their share of joys and sorrows; why should I somehow be above it and deserve only the joys?

4. Let go of resentment.

Unless we walk in the shoes of the other, we really don’t know the reason for their behavior. Carrying resentment only hurts us and delays any repair. I cannot tell you how amazing it’s been to let go of some of the resentment I didn’t even know I’d been carrying for years!

Read the rest of Sumithar’s article at the following link:

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/16-things-let-go-live-truly-happy-life/

I recently came across an incident of violence where a son was beating up their mother. This happened regularly I was told. Naturally it is difficult for the mother to turn her child in to police as she loves them so much.

She called late at night, desperate, helpless and frustrated and we spoke about how to move past this challenge in an empowered manner. This post does not make excuses for violence in any way and naturally anybody from the outside would say lock them up or report them to the police. However, try telling the mother that.

So this article is to highlight some (not all) ways on how to deal with this situation if you are a woman in this situation so we can all share and learn from this.

The mother expressed that she was scared of her son who beat her up when under the influence and occasionally and was upset they had been raised in their situation where they mother had a violent ex-partner and suffered many years under him, and their own father had been deceased some years ago. It is actually not uncommon to many people to experience this scenario.

After listening to her words, and guiding her along the way she began to develop some deep insights into herself which she had never realised:

  • Her love for herself and self-trust was only about 50%. It actually took her some time to answer this and that’s fine, looking within is often hard for anybody. She wants 100% now.
  • She had been seeking happiness in her ex-partner and things “outside” of her, until now where she realised in our discussions that God is not up in the sky – God STARTS inside YOU so seek to understand yourself, your heart and your mind first;
  • She realised it was about speaking from the heart and understanding others feelings first and foremost – true communication is listening, not imposing your stuff onto others;
  • She realised that she must look forward, as looking back would keep tripping her up moving forward – yes, “LOSE THE STORY” as we all have one, and accept the past. We are all special but we are no more special than everybody else right now. Imagine running in a straight line but looking back…how awkward, unnatural and confused would that be?
  • She realised also that “trying” meant she would never succeed and that she must either “do” something or “not do it”…as staying on the middle path breeds confusion, anxiety, depression, anger, blame and everything else.

So like you, as you read this, she realised even more deeply that all she needs to do now, is to raise her level of thinking and keep seeking options. Instead of feeling “resigned” and powerless to move past this situation, she now has “accepted” her situation, accepted the past and the present, and is looking at the options that are available to her all the time if she keeps her mind open to them – this is what God really gives us. The mind is one giant, infinite universe where you can manifest whatever you want….literally! And in fact we are all manifesting exactly what we are thinking right now…Look around you – you are exactly where you think you should be today!

Before she got off the phone she was smiling and laughing and she realised everything is a choice. Setting boundaries also is a choice and the greatest gift she can give her son right now is to shine her own light and self-love and self-trust so he can shine his. Naturally however, this may also mean letting them go and learning for themselves the importance of others and their boundaries and if it keeps being serious the police is definitely an option, albeit one where she does not want to take.

Yes…”Shining your light” means you know you belong, you are loved and you are ALREADY good enough. So start with yourself and if you’re already doing it, do it even more, amplify it so much – there are never any limits.

This article is for you my friend and for all those whom it touches, both men, women and children. Keep shining and embracing the true you and thank you for having the courage to dig deep – it was great to hear you laughing as you hung up. You give hope with your courage for many others who are going through this – thank you for your share!

What do you think about the new Warrior Culture logo?

Hey Warrior family,

What do you think of this logo for Warrior Culture? I think it’s pretty cool and am excited about where we are heading as an organisation with the work we will be be doing.

Let us know how you feel about the proposed logo…

As always, strength to you and keep being a Warrior!

cheers,
Eddie.

Image  —  Posted: March 30, 2014 in Family Violence

Setting personal boundaries is healthy - stop talking about it and do it

Imagine going to work for somebody however after 1 month they had not paid you, then after 6 months it was the same and after 6 years it was still the same. In the meantime you kept blaming, complaining, yelling and screaming, maybe being aggressive, threatening even, telling a lie or two here and there and everything else you have begun to think about as you read this…….Yes, imagine that scenario.

How similar is this to the relationships some of us are in – whether work, whether sporting teams, whether with extended wantoks and family or simply in our personal relationships with the one we love so much, or at least say we do because we think we truly love somebody because we sacrifice so much of ourselves and put up with so much of their faults.

The truth is if you are in this situation right now, you are actually thriving on in some manner as it gives you a temporary sense of importance and righteousness. It lasts only for a little while though as the sense of righteousness, importance, power and whatever you feel quickly dissipates when you finish gossiping, complaining and everything else.

I know if it were me, and this is a skillset I have developed much later in my life, if I am with somebody who is not upholding themselves or managing their emotions or their lives or are imposing themselves on me and expecting me to “carry” them, then I quickly ask them to take responsibility and release me from their burden.

As a business owner I also apply this to business colleagues, clients, potential clients and it is equally important in my extended family and in a potential relationship. I know if somebody is not carrying themselves today I need to respect their ability to find themselves and carry themselves however if I do it for them then I am disrespecting their infinite ability to do it for themselves…as well as disrespecting my values and my boundaries.

There is nothing worse than a man complaining about their wife or partner and he keeps going and going and going. It is an ear sore and an eye sore because he looks so miserable and hasn’t slept in days but he is happy to put it on you without him making any hard decisions in his life. The same applies to women as you know.

You see, when I used to make exceptions for others, it soon became my problem and I would be the freebie shoulder – it got pretty tiring.

Although some people want to change and so forth, some are deeply rooted in negative belief systems or behaviour and it can take considerable time to change. Ultimately however they are the ONLY ones that can decide to change and take the appropriate action to change. It is definitely possible to love somebody like this but if you are starting to doubt and do not feel good about staying then it may be time to pull out as by staying on, you are actually making it YOUR problem also.

I am not encouraging you to leave or stay if you are in this situation. I am however, simply asking you to make sure you are happy with your decisions. If you stay, remember that “acceptance” goes a long way and your acceptance of them will help but if they are clearly taking advantage of this situation then it’s YOU with the issues and they are usually “control” issues. If you are gossiping, getting angry, feel deep in your heart it isn’t right or feel negative about it in some way then just tune right into yourself and that voice in your head.

Do what you know is right for you, even if it feels scary. Your gut instinct is usually the best. Warriors, set your boundaries and make sure you put yourself and your deep internal happiness first. After this you will know how to give this to others (in business, friends, relatives, relationship) without complaints, needing anything back and so forth. This type of relationship will manifest many returns in itself.

Awesome Sunday to you and keep rising Warriors!

Eddie:)

Image  —  Posted: March 30, 2014 in Family Violence

Family Violence is not a gender issue, it's a people empowerment issue

I recently spoke at the PNG National Women’s Day dinner hosted at the PNG Parliament House that was kindly hosted by Honourable Minister Loujaya Kouza. Naturally I spoke about Warrior Culture – Men Against Family Violence and what we do with the men in our workshops. Minister Kouza, being the progressive and dynamic female leader she is, understood the stories that I shared, including my own personal journey. I believe some men cried and the women had a chance to understand the issues that us men face and take a moment to listen to the “other” side.

Afterward however, as I was leaving the function, a very nice lady came up to me and said, “Eddie, thank you for your story – I agree that it’s men with the ego’s and pride problems in our community. They are the ones with the problem, not us women”. I hope there weren’t too many women like her, who did not get my message otherwise I’m a poor communicator. Anyway…

Calmly I stated that she was actually wrong. Ego, pride and fear are in fact human conditions and women are displaying symptoms of this just as frequently as men. In fact, I told her, “women are committing extremely high levels of Family Violence in PNG and I would dare say that women are committing HIGHER levels of Family Violence than us men”. She was stumped as this had never occurred to her before.

I went on to explain that whilst men commit higher levels of physical violence (probably because we are physically bigger) the following is true about women in our country:

• Women are using emotional, psychological and verbal abuse…and sometimes sexual and economic abuse to control and manipulate others for personal gain. Without statistics I cannot say for certain but my own observation indicates that the level of this kind of violence actually “exceeds” physical violence committed by men.

The scary thing is we don’t even raise this up as an issue when discussing Family Violence in our community as we have learnt to accept it and the emotional trauma that it causes…even in us men.

How are we supposed to help men, AND women, AND families in our communities if we are allowing us to verbally, emotionally and psychologically hurt each other? How long do we keep tolerating this and what price will our families pay if we keep accepting it? What negative belief systems are we encouraging when we say nothing but accept it?

I don’t think women understand fully that their sons will probably enter into a relationship with a woman just like them and if they are verbally, emotionally or psychologically abusive then their sons will experience the same. How would you feel about this if you are a mother and your son was going through this?

• A considerable number of women have a high level of fear and anxiety in our country hence they tend to want to “own” social issues and gossip, put down others (especially other women) and not assist each other, they lie, make excuses, are judgemental and commit many other frowned upon behaviours by societal standards. In extreme cases women are selling their bodies to hopefully achieve a new lifestyle, income and much more. I make no judgements on them however as fear will make a person (men included) act in ways that we cannot understand. Not at first anyway.

• Many women are also physically abusive using their fists, wood, iron poles, knives and other weapons against the men in our country. This is more common than we acknowledge.
As I told the lady that night, I work with men to solve one side of the coin. However, fear is a human condition and men and women, young and old are suffering from this – it is a part of who we are as the human species. It is a problem however, if we impose our fears on another’s freedoms and ultimate right to live happily and at choice.

For me, here are the truths I see in the Family Violence struggle in PNG:

• Family Violence is not a gender issue when you understand it fully – men AND women are committing violence every day. They commit physical, emotional, verbal, psychological, social, economic, sexual and other forms of violence – ANY one of these forms of violence is FAMILY VIOLENCE so thank you for getting clear as you read this.

• Any Family Violence is ultimately a form of self fear manifested and projected onto others. Self fear stems from thinking you are not good enough, don’t belong and/or are not loved hence if you look closely, all the arguments around you are because those people are not feeling the above at some level but they actually want to feel that.

• Fundamentally, “not” thinking you “belong, are loved or are good enough” stems from belief systems you have consciously or (usually) subconsciously chosen to develop about yourself at some point in your life.

It was a great opportunity for me to share with her in more detail that we do not point fingers against women or men, but understand that our society as a whole has belief structures that are contributing to this issue so let’s help everybody – men AND women, as we are all regularly committing family violence every day and most of us don’t even know we are, especially with emotional and psychological abuse.

Food for thought anyway. I’d love for you to share your thoughts and feelings about this area.

Keep strong and have a powerful, successful and happy week being your best Warrior brothers and sisters!

Eddie.

Image  —  Posted: March 30, 2014 in Family Violence

antiviolence

 

 

 

 

 

A show I watched on EMTV this morning spoke about the “1 Billion rising” campaign that is held every year throughout the world in February. Statistics show 1 in 3 women will be raped worldwide or experience some form of Family Violence in their lives. Based on the world’s population, this number equates to 1 billion+ women, hence the campaign title – “1 Billion rising”.

Institute of National Affairs spokeperson, Isi Oru, spoke about male advocacy and its paramount importance and the MAN group of government employees and male advocates in PNG. We think this is brilliant however 30 people in government, whilst a great start, will not change a nation or solve the cries of the women and children of this nation, nor the pain of the men in our country.

Prime Minister O’Neill, here is your chance to listen very carefully and address this issue properly instead of follow the quick fix solutions of your advisers who might be strategically knowledgeable in a few areas however behavioural change, family violence and changing men’s mentality is not their area of speciality, period. Thank you for recognising this.

Even more alarming, was the continued accusations of a woman in the EMTV program, against the men who were in attendance of the 1 billion rising event in Port Moresby. She yelled at them and accused them of being the problem and admitted her and all women’s fingers were “pointed at them”.

Yes, I also agree enough is enough and men should not be doing this but straight away I thought, I wonder how many men listen to her when she speaks to them like that. I certainly would not want to speak to ANYBODY who did not have the courage, patience, understanding and maturity to derive sustainable solutions.

Almost 99% of you reading this would be challenged if I came up to you and said, without taking time to understand your thoughts and feelings, “Why do you keep being an idiot? How long have you been like this? It’s you that causes all the problems in this country despite other women being involved” etc.  I could go on but you get my drift.

Some of you will say, Eddie, it does not compare at all – men are hitting women, they are raping them and they are killing them!

I would respond, “I AGREE!”

But just like you would be defensive and want to run away, stand and fight against the allegations or just freeze and not know what to do, all these men you are pointing the finger at are the feeling the same.

After running Men Against Family Violence campaigns in Port Moresby through the organisation I founded in 2013 (“1,000 Strong – Men Against Family Violence”), the feedback from men on the street is, “we are tired of these women’s campaigns and movements, who is helping us men to become empowered?” They simply do not want to listen any more. At our workshops, these men felt empowered and deeply appreciative of our organisation taking time to simply come and speak with them and give them techniques on how to manage anger, stress and empower themselves so they do not commit violence in the first place.

You see, our society and many societies throughout the world even, have forgotten one basic but fundamental principle – that is, men committing violence is actually reflective of their own issues, challenges and fear that they need to work through in the first place. They ALSO need empowerment… but who is helping them?

Your own life has not been without struggle so imagine the many men in Papua New Guinea who were born angels to their mothers, grew up in the settlements, with fathers who have abandoned them, got beaten up by their mother and other family members and a father who passed through once in a while. Yes, imagine the boy growing up hardened into a criminal, who wanted to learn but his sense of self-esteem was battered before he could even say his first word and he grew up knowing that violence was right.

So…. thoughtful woman of PNG, imagine him as an adult, listening to you as he sat at a women’s convention (assuming he came in the first place) telling him he was not good enough and that it was his fault and everything else you want to label him. Then the Australian journalists and the whole world join the party and label him also…..would he be thinking of changing or running and hiding, thus maintaining the cycle of violence as it was not broken?

My question is, “do you want another 38 years of blood on your hands?” Your attitudes, this very attitude that is common amongst many, many women in PNG is NOT going to do anything, and you realise it.

The challenge is, our own egos get in the way and yours will too. The thing is I AGREE with you – this must stop. However it will NOT stop with you yelling at men in the country.

Awareness is one thing but ACCUSATIONS is another thing and the truth remains, not all men in PNG are like this. It is as if, you want another 38 years of violence but I will take it as a lack of understanding this issue in its entirety that causes your common reaction.

Have you noticed that this is how we speak about violence in society?

Joe is beating up Mary
Joe beat up Mary
Mary got beat up by Joe
Mary got beat up
Mary is a battered woman

So, by the time we stop talking about it, every knows that Mary is battered. The great thing about the numerous organisations (in this space) in PNG, are that they have encouraged women to speak up and escape Family Violence and so forth. We are happy that this is happening also.

But, who did we forget about? What happened to Joe? Who is he raping or hurting since leaving Mary? Who is going to help Joe stop this cycle and stop teaching his son’s this life of fear? Who is going to recognise that Joe needs help and rehabilitation, not your fingers?

depression.jpg

Our organisation, now called “Warrior Culture – Men against Family Violence” believes in a Papua New Guinea where all men are NOT violent. The tragic reality is, 2.3 million women in PNG will experience violence in their lifetime or 2 in every 3 approximately.

This gives an organisation like ours, 2.3 million reasons to help the men of PNG (just like Joe) so they do not commit violence in the first place.

We are focused on breaking down the warrior culture mentality (that we are strong and powerful and can get what we want, when we want) and the stigma associated with men’s challenges like depression, anger management, low self-esteem, career problems and much more.

In 2014 we will be continuing our community development work where we work with men in settlements, suburbs and sporting teams around Port Moresby (eventually going to other centres in PNG) to understand the issue and how to empower themselves with their lives so they do not feel the need to control others. Our belief is that men will not change unless they are given an incentive to do so. Healing and empowering themselves is a much better reason than somebody forcing you to change.

I myself, lead these programs and deliver them. We know PNG men and we know how to help them.

This year our media campaigns will also ensure that everybody is talking about this issue in their houses, offices, schools, government and all over PNG.

So as the founder of this organisation, I offer some pretty simple pointers/solutions to this challenge that everybody is working to solve (however seem to be solving the symptoms):

  1. If you want a man to change, stop pointing fingers and believing policies and strategy and quick fixes will work. It never has and never will as we are dealing with humans here. Men need healing and empowerment.
  2. A violent man is a man trapped in fear and low self-esteem.
  3. If a man is healed he will not commit violence in the first place.
  4. More investment needs to be made into men’s programs throughout PNG.

It makes so much sense to help men to stop being violent in the first place. Again, there are 2.3 million reasons why organisations like ours need assistance – we are experts in this area however we need your help so we can take this forward even more in 2014 and beyond.

IMG_0717

Join us, partner with us, support us, like us, follow us, donate to us, learn from us….or anything else you want to ask please do so. Our new website will be up soon but keep an eye out for us.

We do need to stop this. I implore you to keep doing the great work with empowering women, but I implore you to stop accusing men as it is driving a huge rift and developing anger in the men on the streets of PNG, a place where many policy makers do not go and do not know. Further, it only encourages men to hide from their failures when we need them to speak out about it and heal themselves.

How many more years do you want this to be an issue in PNG. More importantly, what are you really doing to stop it in the FIRST PLACE?

If you have any questions email me at eddie@ailaconsultingpng.com – I’ll be more than happy to assist.

We believe in a Papua New Guinea where all men are not violent and our women, children and families are safe and free.

“Warrior Culture – Men against Family Violence”

peace

Image

Thank you for being patient with me since my last blog – a lot has happened and the group I have founded in PNG, “1,000 Strong – Men Against Family Violence” was chosen as one of two groups that would win the 2014 Spark Changemaker of the year grant (by sparkinternational.org) so this has been taking up my time over the last 2 weeks or so. Nevertheless, it’s good to be back and good to know that you are practising some of the concepts we have discussed to date and/or adjusting them to suit in your lives so that you results are enhanced – we love this too and say “good on you!” for having the courage to be a real warrior and not just speak about it.

Today’s blog is about what “acceptance” is, and what it isn’t.

A lot of us are going through challenges in our lives right now. As a result, many of us are becoming angrier, frustrated, anxious and more judgemental because of how others in our lives are behaving. Quite often men tell me, “Eddie, she made me get angry so I hit her” after they find themselves reacting (whilst women say the same thing after degrading his character). How true is this statement for you right now?

It may be your husband, your wife, your extended family member or other but essentially it is because of a particular behaviour they are exhibiting that you are not happy with, yet you find yourself in the same situation over and over again, losing your temper, losing control over your emotions and losing your sanity (it may feel like). Sound familiar?

Acceptance is the key here, yet again.

People often ask me however, why would you accept it if you are not happy. I am always quick to differentiate between “acceptance” and “resignation”. I always encourage acceptance.

Resignation, in my mind, refers to when you feel helpless and stuck and are “resigned” to a particular outcome or lifestyle. I see that many men are resigned to the fact that their wives are controlling and verbally and emotionally abusive, especially if they try to go away in order to live a better life. The women may use their children as leverage in order to keep a man and in severe cases may even threaten and attempt suicide – it happens all the time as women behave in a “victim” manner in order to attain sympathy and so forth. And it works a lot of the time as men end up feeling “resigned”.

The problem is a feeling of resignation is one that may escalate into larger problems as there is no genuine happiness within.

If you have read this far, you may notice that the above scenario can also be played out by men as victims and women wanting to be the saviour in a man’s life and they end up feeling “resigned” also, albeit reluctantly.

How healthy is this scenario? I’ll let you be the judge but compare it with “acceptance”.

In my own words, “Acceptance is an emotional state whereby one understands that natural state of what is happening and does not try to control it or perceive it is not happening”. This is a very quick definition and potentially not the best but I didn’t want to look it up in the dictionary but explain it as I feel it deep in my own being.

For myself, “acceptance” means that one is not under any illusions about a particular scenario, event, person or other thing. Acceptance to me empowers an individual as they stop trying to control an outcome but instead look at options and possibilities. It is a great state of mind, and coupled with ACTION can lead to a very full life.

For example, if a partner is always violent or unfaithful or if a person keeps avoiding their responsibilities or even something as simple as if a person does not accept that they are not perfect…then they are likely to keep hitting walls and the fear will always keep them in their comfort zone.

Whenever I feel fear in fact, I always accept it. Sometimes I do cry but I always accept whatever I am feeling and whatever the circumstances are so that the fear or emotion will pass through me and not control me. Immediately after I look for the options so that I can keep moving easily.

Some useful questions I ask myself are: How am I feeling right now? What can I learn from this? Who do I need to become in this moment to move past this? What am I pretending to not know about this situation, that if I did stop pretending, I would move past this with the greatest ease and comfort and achieve the goals I really want?

That last question is a gamebreaker – take time to reflect on these questions next time you’re in a bind and see what you come up with.

Going back to the original scenario we painted, imagine finally accepting that your wife, despite all the love you have for her, is not committed to your relationship and you must stop trying to force her to be faithful (and vice versa for women with husbands who are unfaithful, violent or other). Imagine you stop trying to answer all the problems of your extended family, merely because they are not yours to fix… imagine that.

How happy would your life be?

Acceptance is key in anybody’s book, practise it and become a more beautiful, creative, fearless and genuinely present and loving person. You deserve this life today!

Whether you are a man or woman who is going through something, practise even more acceptance in your life today and ask yourself the above questions, and any others you know you should be asking yourself, so that you can live a fuller life – a life of your dreams!

Keep being Warriors PNG men, it’s great to be back.

Let’s chat again soon!