I thought I would write this as when I look around here in PNG there seem to be many people going through negative relationships and it seems to be everywhere. Alot are on the verge rr not full blown narcissistic relationships. Don’t get me wrong,there are many great relationships out there but it seems that a lot of us here in PNG don’t seem to be managing ourselves and our relationships effectively and it is landing us in hot water more frequently than not. Hopefully this post will shed some light on why you might be in that situation in the first place and show you how you can get out of it if the relationship is breaking down your self esteem.
Please note that this applies to both genders as men and women can be very toxic and degrading to their partners and they don’t even have to lift a hand to do break their partner’s self confidence.
Many highly sensitive people whom I have coached have asked me why they end up in abusive relationships or with people who take total advantage of them. Some are already in these relationships and don’t know how to get out – they feel stuck, anxious and have given up as they feel they have no energy and such low self-esteem after the manipulation and battery (usually psychological battery but including physical).
There is hope – there is a way out!
If this is resonating then you might be one of the many people who are too kind to these emotional vampires that drain us of all our goodness and leave a total trail of destruction and unhappiness. It takes years and years to heal sometimes after all the hurt and self doubt and self blame about the negativity of it all.
Please know this truth – YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME and THERE IS A WAY OUT AND TO HEALING YOUR LIFE!
Trust me, I’ve been one of those vampires and I’ve been on the receiving end – it is not a good existence. My decision to question my whole existence only a few years ago has enabled be to see who I was and why I didn’t want to live that life.
You see, some people are so pathological in their approach that they never really care for their victims (or potential victims). I should really be using the word “partners” however this is not how you are viewed if being pursued by these types of people. In their eyes you are a prize that they must have. So they do everything they can to win you over, they inflate your ego, make your family feel really good about you, they mirror everything about you say all that you need to hear to get you to fall in love with them. In fact we all mirror eachother to some level however pathological citizens seem to go to another level. Most of them know they do not want anything to do with you and have an exit plan almost ready…but they cannot help it at all as they are usually programmed by their mid 20’s and definitely by their 30’s to not give a f#@k about you. So they go through their routine and when you start questioning them they run. It’s harsh but it’s true. By this time though it’s usually already too late to stop an emotional pain from happening.
So because you are so soft and caring (if you’re a female) or if you want to be the rescuer in her life (if you are a male) then you gladly accept this over the top flattery as you have been hoping for this for a long time. So gladly we accept it and warm to it and let all our defences down.
Soon after however, they start devaluing you – this is the second phase after they inflate your ego. Typically this happens for the following reasons:
- They feel comfortable they can control you even after you push them away in an effort to set some healthy boundaries for yourself (and maybe your children);
- They are bored with the mundane routine you have set since becoming familiar with one another – life is not as exciting anymore;
- They are offended by the comments you have raised about their irregular behaviour or perceived lies – pathological liars are just that, they will be lying so trust your gut! They typically know that at some point you will find out who they are so they have a timeline to play their game and get you “hooked” hopefully for life.
In this second phase their true colours start to come through. It’s almost like a mask has been removed and you are left pretty much in disbelief as you try to grasp what has just happened. Naturally your own ego tries to control the situation and you find yourself bargaining and making exceptions and letting them back in, all the while angry at yourself for not trusting your gut or enforcing your healthy boundaries. You might even try to react and take revenge but you again end up stuck. In fact almost every ego reaction leaves you stuck with them, even further into their web of lies, deceit and pain….while your own life gets sucked out of you.
They know this too so they keep doing it.
The truth is, abusive partners, narcissists, people with pathological disorders and other similar types of personality disorders simply don’t care – you are a commodity to them and the sooner you realise this the faster you will move toward acceptance and having the power to remove yourself for good. They have been taught this and it is deeply embedded into their life patterns and thinking, so if you are waiting for change or a “genuine” apology – keep holding your breath. It NEVER comes!
Finally, if they have found somebody else that meets their needs to control them, all the time whilst towing you along, they will simply discard you. Another truth is, they will ALWAYS be on the lookout for new “narcissistic supply” – essentially more victims to feed their low self esteem.
How many of you have ever experienced this? Be honest with yourselves now.
As some of you may know, as the victim you are left speechless, your ego wanting to leave but also wanting to redeem the situation and bargain with this evil person, you feel sorrow and massive pain that is unlike the breakup of other relationships – this is devastating.
They know it and they don’t care as that is why you were attracted to them in the first place – you were not full of your own self love that’s why you simply depended on them. So essentially your ego does not want to let them go, it wants familiarity even if you hate them by this time.
For many of you, you understand exactly how this feels don’t you. And for some, this is the cycle you have been living for quite some time and are looking at this article not by chance – it is likely it is resonating as you have been seeking this answer.
There’s so much to explain so let’s take it one article at a time.
Let’s start by answering, WHY did I attract such evil in the first place?
Here is a list of reasons why soft hearted, kind people attract evil personalities (such as that described above) into our lives:
- Your giving nature means you often put other people’s needs before your own.
- You’re so open that you take on other people’s stuff like emotional storage containers.
- If you have low self-esteem you will overlook the signs that things aren’t right, that you aren’t being treated right and so you ignore the injuries to yourself and let it continue, even when your gut tells you to run when you first meet them.
- If you feel like a victim or have been victimised in the past, you will project that belief outwards. Narcissists will pick up on it and home in on you as a target.
- Your sensitivity to other people’s feelings means it can feel wrong to say no. Know that you are not responsible for other people’s feelings.
So far it is sounding a lot familiar to your life and you want it to stop. But “how do I stop” you ask yourself? You probably have been trying for some time but they keep coming back and you keep letting them in.
Here are some ways to change your future results and leave this person for good!
MOST IMPORTANT NOTE IN THIS ARTICLE: It starts with YOU.
yes, you are in complete control of whether you respond to them, whether you let them back in or not, and YOU are in charge of ALL your life’s results. Take some time to ponder this.
You have to change your beliefs about yourself and the way you feel about yourself by incorporating a few of the following strategies:
- Healthy Boundaries – set up boundaries to keep yourself safe. Learn to let in people who will be there for you and keep out the people who only want something from you.
- Change your FOCUS – Focus on your positive qualities and feel good about yourself, by yourself. Write in a journal to get your feelings out and develop an awareness of who you are, your feelings and your beliefs. Writing helps you understand and process your emotions and eventually you stop reacting – it is a powerful form of self therapy.
- Serve others – do things that are genuine unconditional and make you feel good such as serving in a charity. The more you give love and serve others the more you will experience love in your life – it is just a great feeling. It sounds selfish but this is part of why I serve all those that I do as I love to feel good and to feel love in my life – it is THE MOST POWERFUL EMOTION!
- Learn – learn all you can about controlling your own ego, narcissism, sociopathy and other personality disorders. The chances of you leaving straight away are slim however the more you learn the more you will become empowered and stop judging yourself from letting such an evil being into your life.
- Values – write down all the values you want in a relationship and write down what percentage you are demonstrating in your own life. For example, if you want 100% honesty from a partner, you need to really ask yourself whether you are 100% honest with others, your loved one, your friends, your business associates and most importantly – are you 100% honest with yourself? If you are anything less than 100% then you must start with developing this within yourself before you can expect it from others. Apply this methodology to the other values you have written down – it is a great self reflection exercise.
Let’s start with the above strategies. It’s up to you now to do the work and make your life better. Please understand however that these humans are still God’s creatures but they have learnt some limiting beliefs about themselves along the way that make them project their lack of self esteem onto others. It is somewhat comforting to know that their problems and everything they say is merely a reflection of them, not you. But trying to “fix” them is unhealthy for you – you deserve somebody who manages their own emotions well and reflects your higher self after you have done some self work.
It is a process and will be challenging but keep accepting the challenges and the emotions as they arise. The more you stay on this path you will realise that it gets better….ALL THE TIME! (but only if you stick to the path)
So stop moping around in that dark place and decide right now what kind of life you want to live – you have every chance to make it a great one and to become an even stronger Warrior. Warrior Culture is on your team and to answer all your questions so ask away.
In the meantime, stay blessed and keep rising Warrior!