I remember all throughout my twenties about my challenges and resemblance to the narcissist we have been talking about lately. I felt that as an ex-Kumul and having played for Australia in junior rugby union and achieved a university degree at a fairly young age and so forth, I was invincible. Most young adults go through the same thing I guess. For myself though I knew it was a problem as I walked around thinking I was smart, physically attractive and could get any woman I wanted, despite the fact that I had a beautiful partner who later gave us three of the most beautiful angels in the universe.
Despite all the goodness in my life, my family support in PNG, my attractive and beautiful, doting partner and my three children, it was not enough. I was always on the lookout for new prey, for new women in my life. I was never satisfied at home and would tell lies through my teeth and make excuses and even find arguments, just so I could go out and justify my unfaithfulness with different women.
A big part of me hated it but I couldn’t stop. I continued and continued until I began to feel really depressed. Finally at age 26, when I had one 3 year old girl and twin boys who were just born, I had to tell her. I came out and confessed and told her everything…absolutely everything!
I couldn’t bare her living through a miserable life with a person like me.
The weight of infidelity and living a life that was not who I really was, was too much to bare. Although I thought I was already depressed it got even worse. I stop working and moved from job to job for about 6 – 12 months. I drank almost a bottle of scotch a night and smoked a packet of Winfield Blue 20’s every second night whilst listening to depressing music. On the weekends I went out looking for women with my mates and started taking marijuana and cocaine to fill this massive void in my heart. At home I was cold and to be honest I was told I looked like death when I met friends.
I had hit rock bottom.
Like an addict though I kept searching for answers in women, young and older, fat and skinny – anybody who would give me attention. I was an emotional vampire – I did not care who or where it came from. Well, maybe not literally but I had let my standards drop terribly. I hated myself for it and terribly wanted to break it but I was so depressed and helpless that I even contemplated suicide… many times.
I always had numerous women on the side at the same time so that if I broke up with one then I could easily go to the other. However I was never truly committed and I am sure, looking back, they knew but because of their own fears so they put up with it.
My life was a lie. I was so scared of rejection and losing a “loved” one that I often broke up with them after a short time and blamed them for it. I could not stand the thought of them leaving me although it happened a few times. So my pattern was – find a woman, make her feel awesome, then look for something to argue about and blame and devalue her and eventually break up with her before she breaks up with you. Whatever I did I had to be in control so I would “facilitate” the breakup.
How stupid is that?
If they did leave I was so bitter and devastated. I wondered to myself why I was upset as I didn’t really love them and I was cheating on them anyway, but I realise now that it was merely me wanting to control them as I hated being abandoned. They had to pay for leaving me.
When I used to receive that final text message to stop all contact I used to be devastated and get angry. A void would fill my heart and I would blame myself for everything that went wrong. Occasionally I would stalk them and wondered what they were doing, regardless of any new person I was having sex with. I would always be left alone…again – what I actually feared most, I was actually creating. How ironic?!
I hated the process and of people leaving me. I wanted to be the one in control but I never could do it 100%. I hated them for it and begged for them to come back so I could dish it out to them instead although I never told them that. When they did come back I would end up treating them like shit again. I never really loved them but hated the feeling of being rejected.
Looking back I was always at fault and my selfishness was so insurmountable that I simply could not stop it or simply did not know how to stop. In my heart I wanted to stop I know but I simply couldn’t.
I’ll write some more of my story but I guess one thing I realise now is that what I feared most is what I was manifesting. We are great manifestors – that is how God has programmed us.
There is a power in the universe called “Cause and Effect” or “karma” or whatever you want to call it. You see, the universe gives you exactly what YOU put into it. It does not discriminate or take sides, it just listens and spits back to you what you put into it, but it gives it back to you tenfold.
So essentially, I was getting everything I was giving out, times 10.
I did not realise I was so scared of being abandoned and that I was not good enough, until my 30’s. So looking back, I was so scared of being abandoned that I got abandoned EVERYTIME. Being abandoned and lonely was the story I was telling myself in my head and essentially what I was telling the universe.
I was so scared of being lonely that I met many women and had short term relationships with them but always felt lonely. I never loved myself so the universe never loved me. I never respected women so the universe never respected me.
Wow…..how clear is that for you as you read this right now?
So the universe is not built on love…it is not built on hate. It is not built on anything. It just exists. The universe just gives you whatever YOU put into it and whatever you think about and feel on a regular basis. As you and I know, the emotion that is most sustainable and cannot break you or lead you to depression and negative behaviour, is LOVE.
So as you have realised deeply, the universe is not built on LOVE, but this is the emotion that works best with it. So whatever you are doing right now, if you are hitting challenges in your life like how I used to, stop for a moment. Ask yourself if you are operating out of LOVE. If it is anything other than love you know what is going to come back. I am not trying to scare you or warn you, but moreso encourage you to live your best life before it is too late.
UNCONDITIONAL, GENUINE LOVE is the answer and you must start by respecting yourself, taking time to listen to your own needs, appreciating yourself, setting your own goals, creating habits or rituals to complement and assist you to achieve your goals….then take MASSIVE ACTION RIGHT NOW!!!
Whatever you do, wherever you are, whoever you think you are right now, know that you are not alone, you ARE worthy and are good enough and all it takes is for you to look inside yourself and love who you are right now. All of us are going through this challenge at some level and all of us have similar fears about not being good enough, not being loved and not belonging.
Start knowing that you ARE good enough, you ARE loved and you DO belong to yourself first and foremost – you are the answer to ALL your life’s challenges right now so start with loving YOU.
Then see what the universe and God will give back to you. Whatever you do, start with yourself, not your husband, children, friends or extended network. You MUST start with YOU!
Please feel free to ask questions or post comments as I am more than happy to answer your queries. As always, keep strong and have a Warrior day!
All my love,